How Far We Are From Justice for Women in Afghanistan

Maybe you’ve heard about the 19-year-old Afgan woman who was raped by her cousin’s husband, and then when she became pregnant from that rape, was sentenced to prison, with her daughter, for 12 years for adultery.  The sentence was later reduced to three years.  Finally, Afghan President Hamid Karzai eventually ordered her pardon.

But, wait, how can you pardon someone who didn’t do anything wrong?  Oh, yeah, she was raped.  Her bad. 

Before being pardoned, a judge offered to free her if she would marry her rapist.  Apparently there are no such strings attached to the subsequent pardon.  But the pressure to marry her attacker is still intense.  Such a marriage would legitimize her daughter, “restore honor” to her brothers, and smooth the potentially violent rift between the two families.  It seems likely that, without marrying her rapist, her family won’t accept her and her daughter, and it is feasible that she could even become the victim of a so-called honor killing.  So, she still has some very difficult decisions to make.

According to CNN, her attorney, Kimberly Motley, in Kabul, says that she does not want to marry her attacker. She would like to marry an educated man.

Even if she should decide to marry her attacker, it may not be possible for some time.  He is still in jail for five more years.  Motley explains that, “as far as I know there has never been an Afghan wedding in jail.” 

I guess I’m blogging about this because it seems like many people think of the fight for women’s rights as something from the past.  Hey, this is happening in our world, right now, today.  Nevermind having the vote, these women don’t even have the “right” to be raped without being thrown in jail!  Or to then peacefully pursue a subsequent life that will promote their own healing.  Clearly, there is much work still to be done.

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Peg Shippert is a psychotherapist in private practice in Boulder, Colorado.  She has a deep passion for working with survivors of sexual violence. 

I know that it can feel risky to make public comments about sexual violence.  You are welcome to comment anonymously here.  Just enter a non-identifying handle when asked to identify yourself.

What I Don’t Love About Slut Walks

See the first two posts in this series about the Slut Walk:

Are We (Slut) Walking in the Right Direction?

What I Love About Slut Walks

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about some things that I love about the Slut Walk phenomenon.  I mentioned that I admire the chutzpah of those who wish to “take back” the term slut.  I am afraid that there are also things that turn me off about that effort.  Maybe it’s the part of me that has bought into the patriarchal way of viewing women. Or, maybe it’s that I’ve seen women called sluts for no good reason too many times to connect with the humor and irony.  But I definitely feel reluctant to embrace the term slut, and to apply it to myself or other women whom I respect.  It seems counterproductive.

My opinion is that the Slut Walk participants would be better off abandoning the notion of reclaiming the word slut.  Not that I think they should stop using the term (see What I Love About Slut Walks).  But can’t we call these events Slut Walks, simply as a way to get attention to tell our message against sexual violence, and in reference to the misguided statement that started the whole movement?  Do we have to invite people to call all women, or even just women who like sex, or even just the women who like sex and walk in a Slut Walk, “sluts”?  Aren’t there some words that we should just abandon altogether? 

Photo from Slut Walk in New York, Saturday, October 1, 2011 by David Shankbone

I am most worried about this when I read statements against Slut Walks like those of Kristine Holmgren:

“This "march" will not change a single rapist's mind. It will, however, please and tease the men (and women) who think all women's issues are a joke.” 

Now, I don’t think Slut Walks are intending to change the minds of individual rapists.  I think they are more about increasing attention and clarity regarding the messages our society gives about rape.  If we can do that, it could lead to changes in how we view women and sex and violence.  If we can do that, then maybe eventually it will contribute to there being less rape in our world.  I’m totally on board with that logic.

And yet, if we get attention for this important issue by talking about and dressing like sluts, maybe we’ll feel really empowered and have a lot of fun.  But will the people who most need to hear the message take us seriously?  Is could it be that presenting the issue in this way makes it less likely that we’ll manage to create the change we hope for?

Do you find challenges in supporting the Slut Walk movement?

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Peg Shippert is a psychotherapist in private practice in Boulder, Colorado.  She has a deep passion for working with survivors of sexual violence. 

Some Great Guided Visualizations

Sometimes dwelling on big problems like sexual violence can get a person down.  So, this week I’d like to point out a resource that I find helpful when I need some rejuvenating and resourcing.  I initially found the guided visualizations provided by Belleruth Neparstek and others at Healing Journeys, Inc. years ago when I was facing a scary medical procedure.  Her soothing voice and gentle guidance helped me to feel supported in my journey, and confident in the outcome.  I am convinced that they significantly reduced my stress going into the procedure, and improved the speed of my recovery.

I was reminded of Belleruth’s work recently by a consultation group in which I participate.  The discussion there inspired me to revisit the Healing Journeys web site, where I found several gems that I now own, or have placed high on my wish list.  My favorite discovery is that Belleruth, a psychotherapist herself, has produced guided visualizations specifically for those suffering from post traumatic stress.  On the site, Belleruth claims that her “Healing Trauma” guided imagery is the best work she’s done, which I expect means that it is very fine work indeed.  

Belleruth recommends that most people start with guided imagery designed for general stress relief, sleep enhancement, and grief, which sounds like good advice to me.  I find it to be critical to develop good resources for tolerating and containing difficult material before starting to work directly with any trauma.  Fortunately, Healing Journeys provides several guided meditations to help with that.  I am most interested in those by Belleruth herself, and so I have added her “Relieve Stress”, “Healthful Sleep”, and “Ease Grief” MP3s to my wish list as well. 

I have no relationship at all to Belleruth Neparstek or Healing Journeys.  I have simply found guided imagery to be very helpful both personally and professionally.  And I have found Belleruth’s work to be of the highest quality.

What resources do you find useful for taking care of yourself, and building resources for facing life’s more difficult realities?

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Peg Shippert is a psychotherapist in private practice in Boulder, Colorado.  She has a deep passion for working with survivors of sexual violence and other traumas. 

Herman Cain: “It doesn’t matter” versus “It’s not true”

Herman Cain recently suspended” his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination, in response to continuing allegations of sexual misconduct, including sexual harassment, sexual assault, and an extramarital affair.  Despicable conduct, if true.  What really bothers me about Mr Cain’s reponse to these allegations, though, is that he doesn’t ever say anything about how repulsive and inappropriate (not to mention illegal) the alleged behavior is.  He keeps saying that he didn’t do it.  And for a while he called for America to re -focus on the issues.  Which implies that a presidential candidate’s attitude and behavior toward women could not be a valid campaign issue.  Why can’t he say something about how sexual harassment and sexual assault are unacceptable?

I mean, even Joe Paterno was able to come up with, “The kids who were victims . . . I think we all ought to say a prayer for them. It’s a tough life when people do certain things to you." Inadequate, yes, but at least he acknowledged how awful child sexual abuse is.  With Herman Cain, the message seems to be more about how inconsequential the allegations are than about how untrue they are.  I find that as offensive as the allegations themselves.

What do you think about Herman Cain’s approach to this scandal?

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Peg Shippert is a psychotherapist in private practice in Boulder, Colorado.  She has a deep passion for working with survivors of sexual violence and other traumas. 

What I Love About Slut Walks

See the first post in this series about the Slut Walk phenomenon

First of all, I think calling these protests Slut Walks was brilliant and natural, and is largely responsible for the massive amount of attention that the events have generated in the media.  Most of which has been good for the cause of eliminating sexual violence.  After all, the police officer that started this whole thing used the term slut in his statement. 

I also admire the chutzpah of the Slut Walk contingent which wishes to transform the word slut into something more positive for women.  Women who embrace their sexuality are so often denigrated as sluts, and that demeans all women.  I could talk about that for hours, but I’ll refrain in this instance.  I’ll only say here that I appreciate the empowerment that can be found in the process of claiming a word that others use to humiliate you.

I also love that the Slut Walk movement is pointing out what is wrong with the message that it is up to women to avoid being sexually assaulted.  This line of reasoning tends to go along with analogies like burglary.  For example, if I want to avoid being burgled, I put my valuables in a secure place, out of view, and I make sure my windows and doors are locked. 

I figure if you’re reading here, you probably get why this analogy doesn’t work.  But just in case, I’ll spell it out:  The problem with this analogy is that it is so far from exact.  For example, say that your home was broken into and your valuables stolen.  How likely is it, do you think, that the police will question you about why you didn’t have a security system installed?  If the burglar is caught and put on trial, do you think it will be part of his defense that you didn’t have deadbolt locks?  And that you had that flat screen TV system in full view of your living room window?  Which he says was not locked.  Can you prove that it was?  No?  Clearly you were giving signals that you expected it to be stolen.  You didn’t tell the burglar not to steal it.  It must have been consensual.  You can see how the analogy breaks down with just a little prodding.

And – maybe this is even more important – we all acknowledge that people with security systems and good locks have their homes broken into, too.  Moreover, we generally agree that often people have good reasons (cost, convenience, assuming they were relatively safe) for not implementing more security measures.  Do we say they these people had it coming to them?  How *do* we feel about these people.  Is our analogy holding up well in these areas?

Thank you, Slut Walks, for highlighting how convoluted our thinking is around women, sex, and violence. Anyone who can grab our attention long enough to make these points is walking in the right direction, in my opinion.

Stay tuned for a future post about what I don’t like so much about the Slut Walk phenomenon.  What is your take on Slut Walks?

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Peg Shippert is a psychotherapist in private practice in Boulder, Colorado.  She has a deep passion for working with survivors of sexual violence and other traumas. 

Are We (Slut) Walking in the Right Direction?

I’ve been writing about sexual consent a lot recently, and it has landed me square in the territory of a recent phenomenon known as Slut Walks.  If you haven’t heard of the Slut Walk phenomenon, it was started in mid 2011, when over 3000 men and women marched in the streets of Toronto, protesting a statement by Toronto Police Officer Michael Sanguinetti that, “Women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.”

The Toronto SlutWalk was quickly followed by similar events in cities throughout the world.  Many of the signs shown at Slut Walk marches capture important concepts that seem to have eluded many people.  For example:

Enjoying sex does not invite violence.

The problem:  Society teaches “don’t get raped” rather than “don’t rape”

There is no woman you are allowed to rape.  Not even sluts.

Sex should be fun for everyone.

Despite the popularity of Slut Walks, they have also generated much controversy.  There seem to be two main objections to Slut Walks:

1.  Many Slut Walk participants state that one of their goals is to “reclaiming the word slut.”  The essential argument of those who oppose the Slut Walk movement on these grounds is that it confuses promiscuity with equality, and reinforces the concept of women as sex objects.  Moreover, those who are not comfortable embracing the term “slut” end up unnecessarily alienated from a movement that they might otherwise support.

2.  The idea of managing one’s risk of being sexually assaulted is seen as valid by many.  Just as it is valid to manage one’s risk of being burgled by making sure one’s doors and windows are closed and locked, and valuables stored in a secure place. 

I have so many thoughts about Slut Walks, that I’ve decided to write two more posts about it.  Watch here for my next post, “What I love about Slut Walks”, followed shortly by another post, “What I hate about Slut Walks.”

I can hardly wait to hear what you love and hate about Slut Walks!

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Peg Shippert is a psychotherapist in private practice in Boulder, Colorado.  She has a deep passion for working with survivors of sexual violence and other traumas. 

Penn State

A lot has been said about the recent scandal at Penn State.  A lot that I hate, but some that I'm very glad to see in public discussions.  First of all, of course, I hate that it happened at all.  That people chose to protect a footall program from scandal over protecting children from sexual abuse.  And then also, I hate the pain that other survivors of childhood sexual abuse experience when they see how this went down.  

I appreciate, though, the people I’ve seen come forward in the past few weeks to publicly tell their own stories of childhood sexual abuse.  And to publicly state how this story has affected them, as survivors.  I am cheering for each and every one of them.  I believe that if we can start talking more about these stories, that can become a powerful step toward preventing sexual violence from happening in the first place.

For example, consider this:

Everyone gets hung up on the particular physical acts inflicted upon children. Here's some news: the root violation is boundary crossing by a trusted adult. This is an assault on the psyche as much as the body, on a kid's sense of trust and safety in the world. And while some acts obviously may cause more physical trauma, touching, kissing, or even simple propositioning are no less intrusive psychologically -- which is why all are illegal.  - Clay Evans

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Peg Shippert is a psychotherapist in private practice in Boulder, Colorado.  She has a deep passion for working with survivors of sexual violence and other traumas. 

Persepolis

I recently finished reading Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi, a fascinating, autobiographical graphic novel about the coming of age of an Iranian young woman.  After the Iranian Revolution in 1979 and during the subsequent Iran-Iraq war, Marjane spent several years as a teenager in Paris, separated from her parents, who remained in Iran.  Upon her return to Iran she sees the profound sexism of the fundamentalist Islamic Republic of Iran from a new perspective.  As the Amazon review of Persepolis explains:

Emboldened by the example of her feisty grandmother, she tests the bounds of the morality enforced on the streets and in the classrooms. With a new appreciation for the political and spiritual struggles of her fellow Iranians, she comes to understand that "one person leaving her house while asking herself, 'is my veil in place?' no longer asks herself 'where is my freedom of speech?'

Among my favorite vignettes in the book is one in which the main character is running to catch a bus, wearing her burkha.  She hears the amplified voice of a Guardian of the Revolution telling her “You in the blue coat.  Stop running!”  After explaining that she was late to catch her bus, she is told that her bottom makes obscene movements when she runs.  She angrily responds, “Well, then, don’t look at my ass!”  At this point in the book, we have some sense of the serious risk she runs by speaking to the religious police in this way.  And yet, we can’t help cheering for the common sense and enough-is-enough sensibility of her response.

Rape Crisis Scotland’s “Not Ever” Campaign

I’ve never been to Scotland, but I’m in love with it.  No, it’s not the gorgeous landscape nor the earthy Scottish accent.  It’s not even the fact that my favorite daydream currently involves having afternoon tea in this Scottish tree house.  It’s Rape Crisis Scotland and their “Not Ever” ad designed to help change attitudes about sexual consent.  This ad first aired on STV (a popular Scottish tv station) during a World Cup soccer match.  Two guys in a bar ogle a beautiful girl in a short skirt. One guys says, “Check out the skirt.  She’s asking for it.”  Cut to a department store.  The same girl is pondering two skirts, one of them the skirt we saw her wearing in the bar.  A sales person asks if she needs help, and she replies, “Yeah, thanks.  I’m going out tonight, and I want to get raped.  I need a skirt that will encourage a guy to have sex with me against my will.”  The sales person says, “The blue one. Definitely the blue.”  I snorted my coffee when I first saw the ad.  Simply brilliant, and so true.   Wanting to look good – even (gasp) sexy – is not asking to be raped!

To add to the brilliance of this ad, it ends with a male voiceover reminding viewers that, “No one asks to be raped. Ever.”  OK, I know it was a hired voice talent, but I’m happy even for that.  As Eve Ensler says, “When men stand up to end violence against women, the world is going to change”

Consent and Coersion

I recently watched a trailer for the film Asking For It: The Ethics & Erotics of Sexual Consent, which includes a series of lectures by Harry Brod, a professor of Philosophy and the Humanities at the University of Northern Iowa.  In the preview he talks about the “affirmative consent standard”, which posits that consent must be intentionally created.  In other words, it must not be assumed.

 “The only thing that is “yes” is “yes”.  Just because there is no “no”, that doesn’t mean there’s a yes.” – Harry Brod

He likens sexual consent to the concept of right-of-way in driving.  That is, right-of-way is not something you have by default.  It is something you must be explicitly given.  In the case of traffic, there are a lot of very explicit laws about who has right-of-way in which situations.  In the case of sex, perhaps we should consider that consent is only given if both parties have freely given explicit agreement to proceed. 

"My rapist doesn't know he's a rapist, because society blames me."  - anonymous

What we’ve got going on in our world currently is a negative consent standard, in which consent is assumed unless someone explicitly says “No”.  And even then, if any of these apply:

• They were wearing sexy clothing
• They used body language that could be interpreted as sexually inviting
• They were too drunk to realize what was happening or stop it
• They were out alone after dark
• They didn’t physically fight back
• They didn’t say “No” very convincingly or clearly

. . . many people seem to feel that the person has essentially consented to sex.  Or that their consent has become irrelevant.  It’s just so wrong. 

What a different world we would be living in if we all agreed that sexual consent must be explicitly and verbally given, eh?  A much better world, if you ask me.  It wouldn’t solve everything, of course.  There are plenty of ways to coerce a “Yes” out of someone who wants to say “No”.   But it would surely be a step in the right direction.  I can hardly wait to hear what else Dr Brod has to say in the rest of the film!  

Welcome!

Welcome to my new blog about everything related to sexual violence.  Heavy topic, eh?  As a psychotherapist specializing in working with survivors of sexual assault and abuse, I often get asked how I can do this work.  My answer is:  at a certain point in my life, I started finding it easier and more satisfying to face head on the fact that sexual violence is a big part of our world, than to continue trying to pretend it wasn’t.  A key ingredient for finding the courage to face this reality, for me, is actively doing something to help people who have survived sexual violence. I hope this blog will help me with another key ingredient:  being part of a community that speaks and listens to stories of sexual violence, and talks about how sexual violence affects all of us.

Let me tell you a little bit about my personal history with this topic.  When I first started counseling sexual assault survivors in the 1990s, I naively looked at it as simply a way to productively use my time.  I just wanted to help people.  Sure, I was already a feminist, and I knew from personal experience that women had a harder row to hoe than men in a lot of ways.  I was vaguely aware of the common rape statistics.  But I didn’t realize how distorted my own thinking was around this tricky issue, and how much personal growth would come from getting more deeply involved with it.  In particular, I didn’t realize the extent to which I did not hold rapists and abusers fully accountable for their crimes.  I let them off the hook to some extent, by believing that women who took risks were partly to blame if they were assaulted.  As if the risks those women took somehow removed the ability of their assailants to make their own decisions. 

I also didn’t realize that some people in my life would see my new interest as radical and controversial, not to be discussed in polite company.  I didn’t realize that I would come to reinterpret past incidents in my life through a more troubling lense.  I didn’t realize how many heart wrenching stories of assault, abuse, and loss I would eventually hear.  And I didn’t realize how healing it could be for survivors and for myself if I listened deeply to those stories.

What have you learned while trying to come to terms with the sexual violence in our world?